Life is way too hectic! Take me away!

Life is way too hectic! Take me away!

If you’re one of these: A wife/husband, mother/father, friend, daughter/son, employee – Do you ever ask, “When is there time for ME?”

                What you really need is what has become known as “Me Time.” When does it occur? The Me Time I took when I was all those roles: mother, wife, friend, daughter, employee - was taken in the bathroom.

                You’d think you were entitled to some private moments in the bathroom, right? But even there the disruptions, the knocks at the closed door are loud and insistent.

                “Mom, where is…?

                “Mom, I need…”

                “Dear, where is…?”

 

                You ignore the knocks; but ignored they become more insistent and even more intrusive. Over time this leads to resentment. No peace, even in the darn bathroom!

                “We know mom’s not really doing anything in the bathroom, she’s hiding.” She hears through the bathroom door. Knock, knock, knock.

                Husband grunts, “Leave your mother alone. Go finish getting ready for school.” You take a breathe, thinking peace and quiet at last. You relax on the toilet, with your book, cigarette and cup of tea.

                Then another deeper adult voice, “Hon, you gonna be in there much longer?” your lifemate asks tentatively.

                 You snarl through the locked door, “The other bathroom’s plugged up?” Now the tone of voice says it all.

                So let’s start with setting boundaries if hiding in the bathroom is your only “ME time.” Set the rules. I remember when my children and husband were growing up I lived that scenario over and over again. Until I set the rules. They don’t understand the concept of when a bathroom door is locked that’s private time. You’re doing what they can’t be part of - the call of nature.

                “We know she’s not doing anything. Mom, what are you doing in there so long?”

                “What you can’t do for me, even if I wanted you to! Leave me  alone!”              

                Another scenario. “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee,” Mother/wife growls. Before mother/wife puts the cup down, the clamour for her attention starts. The caffeine has yet to hit the blood stream.

                 So resentment builds up. Over time, it becomes a chronic longstanding tightness in the chest, stress, resentment, self-pity, anger!

                Back to boundaries. Rather than live with that ball of resentment. I usually rise before the rest of the household, (different rules for different age group, same expectations, when they are younger and by teen years they’re different) I put breakfast on the table, choose their clothing, I select what they would need. Then when that’s done, I enter the bathroom with a book and cigarette. The first cigarette for the day! Nicotine as bad as caffeine but we all choose our own poison.

                I lock the door. Oh yeah, the rule.  Do not knock the door; speak loudly outside my bathroom door unless the house is on fire. Then you can yell as you save yourself, MOM FIRE!

                That was “Me Time” for the day. When I have those 20 minutes, I’m good. Why the bathroom?

I can lock the door, open the window and blow smoke outside. Turn on the fan, if no window, until they caught on, they thought I was using the bathroom for 20 minutes.

                The point is to be creative about the “Me Time” It is an absolute must to maintain your sanity in your busy life of wife/mother/daughter/employee/friend. It’s about your mental health.

It’s more important to take that time and be a healthy part of a healthy family system than think you can be superwoman in a family system. 

Our famous and favourite heroines, Superwoman or Wonder Woman didn’t have children or husbands. So structure the Me Time in your day.

Part 11: Setting boundaries and rules in a hectic world: Employee

                Once I get the job the first thing I negotiate with all my employers is a different start time. Realistically your office hours are 8:15 – 4:30. You really do not start company business until 9 am. You’re not focused, you socialize with coworkers, you have your coffee or tea, you literally “putts” around for at least 15 minutes after you enter the office.

                My negotiation? I don’t start until 9 am and I finish later. The time is spent in the morning after I send husband and children off on their merry way. I take that time to get my head focused on my job. Not the tasks I’ll have to do because I won’t know what the day holds until I get to the office, but concerns me more is the “how I’m going to face the day.”

                During my years as a child welfare social worker I practiced metaphysics about 30% of my time, unlike now when I’m 100% involved in the practice of meditation. However I do remember every morning taking that time to focus and have a quiet Me Time in my shower. I still owned that quiet time. So “Me Time” evolved into a meditation “Quiet time”

Before the chaos of my day.

Ø  1.            Centre myself.

Ø  2.            Visualize possible scenarios loosely based on what I thought my day would be like.

Ø  3.            I release any preconceived outcomes.

Ø  4.            I hope/wish for the best possible outcome for my clients

Ø  5.            I release any feelings of control over the circumstances

Ø  6.            I ask that I do my best to act with honour and respect for my client throughout this day

Ø  7.            Lastly, I ask that should I be placed in any situation that is dangerous to my body or           spirit that I am protected.

Then I go into work and face my day.

                You may not be working in a high stress unpredictable field as child welfare social worker but you may encounter different stressors e.g. work environment, tedious work, bad supervision, terrible co-workers etc.  The point is take that time to quieten your mind, to connect with your higher self, recognize what you have no control over, let it go;  what you do have influence over and do your best and be positive and generous wishing for the best outcome.

And lastly, recognize you are never alone in whatever you do because there is a greater purpose to whatever you’re doing a person who stands in a construction zone acting as a flagger saves lives same as a doctor performing surgery.

           

Dr. M

Mind-Body-Spirit. Who the heck is charge here? I know it's me (Spirit). No me (Mind). I KNOW IT'S ME! (Body)

So I woke up one morning with these thoughts going through my head.
You know that stage between sleeping and coming fully awake? When you feel like you're still in "Wonderland" wherever the spirit/soul was travelling all night in your dream and just before you come fully awake to "Reality?"

I feel so sorry for Body. Although an intelligent being, it still acts in fear of Soul and Mind, especially you know, the humans who talk about "Mind-Body-Spirit" being one entity and equal.Who gets blamed  all the time? Body. Because body craves "comfort food" Whose comfort?

If you listen closely, next time you eat comfort food...listen closely. What do you hear? A sound coming from deep deep inside "uuuum uuum.uuumuuuuuuum, that's so good, even deeper murmurmurimg sound, almost orgasmic. Chocolate, deep, rich, chocolate cake; rich creamy ice cream, cheese cake, 4th serving of ribs, sauce dripping off the fingers...sounds of deep appreciation. Where do you think this is coming from? Yes. You  idiot. It's the Soul!!! Did you know that the soul could  make those sounds while the Mind is sitting there panting and waiting because the Mind is just waiting its turn to enjoy the sensations. Of course, it can not feel; it can only respond to the sounds the Soul is making...that registers in the pleasure centres. That's how Mind enjoys itself.

But Mind is a two faced hypocrite! One side is the snivelling mamby pamby that says to Soul, "Ooh my, this is good. Great idea!" sharing the sensations with Soul. Then when Body steps in and realizes what is happening and goes "Hey Youse! What the heck are yah doing? You know I should not be having this stuff!" Mamby pamby Mind sides with Body and, "I know. We won't eat it," in the softest, silkiest voice you'll ever hear on a two faced hypocrite. Like the snake in the garden of Eden.

The Soul let's go and... the senses hit Mind...taste it, mmmmmy oh my...smell it ...sniff, sniff oh my...Oh angels in heaven, nothing in this Universe is as good;  (Soul says)...oh my....so intense it almost blows Mind. The senses explode and Mind "thinks" and Soul "feels." And Body goes, "here we go AGAIN! I'm going to be blamed again! It's going to be my gut that suffers, my ass that's too big for those jeans! Come on!"

The human entity feels it in all areas of the Body, Mind and Soul. Now Mind holds on  as long it can "think" it...possible, probably longer than Soul because Soul experiences are infinitesimal...small in duration. In the million and million of things it experiences over its immortal evolving existence, its transformative, it's like a kid with ADD.  Soul knows on the Earthplane, in a human entity, it can gorge itself with sensations it couldn't feel otherwise. This is the only place it can get chocolate cake and ice cream and cheese cake and ribs! If this human entity gets fat, that's okay. It has lived many lifetimes in may different kinds of entities and shapes. Don't bother  Soul/Spirit none!

Soul also likes to try things to get back at Mind/Brain, whatever! You know who wants to try a snow cone on a hot day? Mind knows what will happen, so does Body! But  Soul tries  a snow cone and forces Brain to get a Brain freeze. Soul loves new experiences and sensations; that's why it keeps on going back to the same comfort foods. Mind gets back into sensations registering, grudgingly letting it filter into Body's realm. A nano-second on Soul senses and maybe a little longer in Mind's thoughts and a life time on Body - the hip, the thighs, the belly fat. That's what happens to Body. Don't get Body wrong, Body needs food to survive. It enjoys food. But what it doesn't like is when Soul and Mind lose control and take control.

What it doesn't need is "comfort food" Whose comfort is it? It's comfort is water, heat, clothing to shield from hot/cold temperatures; it needs to be hydrated, washed regularly and sunlight. It needs foods like it needs clean air. Its wonderful function, and Body isn't bragging but it knows its wonderful and is pleased in how it is structured. Body believes in feeding heart, liver, lungs, eyes, ears, muscles, bones, legs, every aspect of it well. Of course it only has one Body. It knows what it needs. Its got a marvelous digestive system that knows what it wants and what it can take. What it stores, discards, re-uses...except Body hates the "comfort foods" that Mind and Soul like so much!

But if it gets angry when Mind and Soul take control, it's Body who really suffers.   Now Mind and Soul think they control all Body functions. Now sometimes he shows who is in control and shuts down by going into a coma or scares them by  "being sick! (Sick of their bossing) but Soul and Mind gang up against Body and the two always win over Body. Once this starts it's not as if Body gives in or gives up but at this point it's boils down to "cutting off its nose to spite its face." That hurts Body and Mind but Soul just retreats until Body and Mind give in.

Now if Body gets really angry and shuts itself down like yeah, go in a coma. That should show them! Soul just retreats further and that rotten Mind just sits like a bump on  a log and taunt Body until it gives in and agrees that Mind and Soul are in control.

Now a strange thing can happen. When Mind  really wants to get back at Body (who is playing possum, you know, in a coma) Mind  cranks up the pain in Body and  it hurts like HELL! Now Body really feels it. The unfortunate or the fortunate thing is mind knows that Mind cannot take much pain and will skedaddle permanently if the pain gets too much. And so will Soul.  This is what you call a stalemate!

They are all forced to work together. Give in or give up and let go.  In order to do this Mind has to stop it with the pain crap, because "you're what you think" and Mind has been projecting pain on Body. Mind has to convince Body to scream, wince, talk, express pain and discomfort because of the three, only Body has Mouth to speak.

Body agreed to use Mouth to articulate what Mind wants. Spirit, the shit disturber in the first place, returns and realizes without Mind and Body, Spirit is out of freaking luck and would be floating around limbo until it finds another stooge, (sorry human entity person) on the Earthplane. How much cheese cake, ribs would Soul be missing in the interim? Could be another millennium in human entity years (although a nano-second in Soul time!) but regardless, it behooves Soul to find its butt, (if it had one) back into the threesome!

Mind and Body agree when they do agree on anything, they sometimes get fed up with Soul/Spirit (as it sometimes wants to be called) when it starts talking that, "it gives the human entity colour and personality, greater wisdom and connection to all things."  Sometimes when Soul/Spirit goes on about  being the oldest of the threesome and come off very superior it gets ignored a lot by the other two. The one time Mind and Body agree on anything is when they want to say, "Hah! You're nothing without US!"

But getting back to the present situation. It's a no-win situation, because Mind-Body-Spirit need each other. One is no better or superior to the other or more or less important than the other. If Body had pulled a Michael Jackson and some fool had given Body wrong injection thinking it was helping pain which Mind was inflicting; if Mind had decided enough and "thrown the towel in;" and Soul/Spirit had pulled an "Elvis has left the building" ( okay the Earthplane) the battle this time would have been over. Caused by something as silly as "comfort food" that are truly discomfort food for Body and Mind.  Of course we hope that because they are called "Soul food," "food for the Soul not the body,"  that Soul has learnt it's lesson and cut down on discomfort food! Let's work together. Let's hear it for Mind-Body-Spirit (soul). As the human entity realizes the importance of this discussion it needs to play it's part by ensuring there is balance between the tree aspects of SELF!

P.S.  You know I actually overheard this debate in that state of sleep-wake. My stars!

Menopause...as inevitable as death and taxes!

      Loss of libido, (hell no, not my sex drive!!!!) You can't take that too. Kill me now!!! I say, kill me now! Redefining the meaning of sex drive: go-slow, park or stop!

      A lot of women are entering that time of life where they are going through… you know, in a whisper..."menopause." Nobody talked about menopause when I was young. I have older siblings and just like the menstrual cycle or your "period"...nobody talked about IT! 

     How in heck's name are we to prepare for a phase of life that is as inevitable as death? Or can we prepare for it? I really would like to know a little of what to expect!

      We look forward to starting our periods with dread (my mother's only conversation about my period as a girl...was, "Don't go near boys!" (I thought I was bleeding to death!)  What a thing to tell a "tom-boy?” I started running from the little monsters. I stopped when my older sister told me I wasn't bleeding to death and showed me how to use the old school cloth...okay it was years, okay... bazillion years ago!!!!  

      Then there were the child-bearing years, when if you were tom-catting around, all you worried about was crabs, Gonorrhoea (which you couldn't even spell so you didn’t worry about it...anyway only men and dirty girls got that!) You know the "curable ones." How naive we were and how LUCKY...we were.

Then we move into the 80's and the disco scene and the fear of Herpes.  Sex wasn't about fun and games any more, and just getting pregnant and saddling yourself and this poor unprepared boy with a child! This was a disease that would mark you for life, but it wasn't going to kill you...not yet! Then AIDS. Now sex was killing you...but that was still only for people who didn't have sex with "clean" partners. I was fortunate that I was in my 20's in the Herpes scare and started packing my condoms...."no glove, no love" was my motto. Sex was beautiful... wonderful...sometimes almost a religious experience...but it shouldn't cause my death or carry fear with it.

I have always had a healthy sex drive and all I ever worried about was my partners keeping up with me. And then without any fore-knowledge or preparation or any damn warning, I woke up one morning and people are talking to me about… menopause! 

       I once asked my mother how come after seven children she had such beautiful breasts? She said she got them after she entered menopause...so being the flat chested woman that I was... (I have spent many hours observing the female form). I concluded that if you "bust out" out early with beautiful male-magnetic attractive breasts, you are going to be the unfortunate woman to have them sag after child birth! On the other hand, if you have small breasts, you tend to hold your breast shape even after breast feeding 4 big head sons! 

Now as a young woman on the dating scene, I rather wanted the full breasts but they never happened...so I had to be satisfied with the long legs and the firm, tight booty...but I sure wanted those breasts! Aw well...So here I was vaguely looking forward to menopause because finally, I was going to have big beautiful breasts! What my mother didn’t tell me was that menopause affected your sex drive! She wouldn’t have mentioned it because she is the same woman who gave me that amazingly enlightening information during puberty! I should have known better than to listen to her. So here I was finally, in a great relationship and couldn’t understand what the heck was happening...juicy fruit had turned to dry gulch!!!! 

So research, research, research...everything on the market for female enhancement and there are a few…and I enjoyed some more than others! I decided that I was not going on a hormone replacement therapy because luckily an older friend of mine advised against it from personal experience of cancer in her family from HRT. So I used all kinds of alternative therapy, but the thing I remember most from my research...use it or lose it!

It is very liberating to not have to go through the period thing every month. I don't miss it, but I sure miss the responsiveness of a body filled with child-bearing hormones and sensitivity. I don't miss the emotional roller-coaster of PMS and being referred to as "The Dragon Lady" ...but thank the Goddess that menopause is as it said..."men-on-pause."

No, everything still works... But we have to get more creative…the poor man has to work a lot harder, longer and more creatively, but when it happens it's still wonderful…The God/Goddess would never be that cruel as to take a way a function that generates enough energy to make stars shine brighter...so as I said...take my libido away...take me next day because the stars will be shining less bright for us women...and I did get the breasts finally...do I still have the tight booty and long legs? What do you think? :O) 

Okay, enough of the personal stuff…

“Menopause affects every woman. Premature menopause symptoms (or early menopause symptoms) may include irregular periods or hot flashes. Other signs of menopause include night sweats, sleep difficulties, and irritability. Menopause treatments may include hormone replacement therapy, although this is not for every woman. Herbal remedies for menopause may include soy foods and natural supplements. If you have bleeding after menopause, call your doctor as it may indicate a more serious problem.” www.WebMD

Menopause is a personal journey and many women can relate to some of the incidents.  But because it is a personal journey, do your research, it's an individual experience, yet part of the collective experience of being a human woman. Never let another woman or your doctor TELL you what to do or feel! What to expect is totally your experience…not your friend’s or your doctor’s. Talk to your friends about their experience…start a dialogue with women: older/ younger.

  A few years ago I was teaching a course on “Today’s Families” to a very diverse age group of women. It seemed that every lecture a discussion of menopause came up. We didn’t notice this until one of the younger women piped up with “Enough already with the menopause, I’m not there yet and am not interested!”  A few of the older women in the class looked at each other and burst out laughing…one woman came back with "Not yet!” As an instructor, after that we did monitor and balance the discussion because the older women had more to share on their journey than menopause. They were also in the “Wisdom Phase” of their life which they still had to recognize.  This was just another "layer of the onion," the life stage they were currently experiencing...one of the many life stages in the journey of life.

As a specie, we are living longer and women are living past “The Change.” I believe it is our perception of what that “change” is that has to change. As a Child Welfare Social Worker, I remembered a client who was such a "miserable bag" that no-one wanted to work with her…No-one wanted to visit her in her home, it was always office visits. Her children were teen girls, so the people who were at imminent risk were not her children but the social workers who would show up on her doorstep. I have always liked a challenge and I actually volunteered to take the file! 

My first strategy was to stand on her doorstep until she invited me in. Her house was being heated by the open oven because her heat was cut off. Her house was also condemned by the city. After a conversation that had nothing to do with her children, just what was happening in her life, this beautiful, artistic woman disclosed that after 7 children and years of single motherhood, she was experiencing menopause. Her identity had been tied to her children, her ability to become pregnant and raise beautiful children. Her role as child bearer, mother and nurturer were all treasured by her culture. She didn’t know who she was now! She had to redefine herself and she didn’t know how. I say artistic because this woman had some beautiful original art work hanging in her home, yet she didn’t see herself as a talented, gifted artist! 

That was a learning moment for me…I was a young, professional woman who had many roles, (too many) mother, wife, social worker, community volunteer and had no idea what this woman was going through. 

The “Big M” or “small m” (your perception of menopause) affects you in your vulnerable area…this woman in her role as a child-bearer, a proud mother…me…my sexuality…others…? Some women walk through it as easy as “knife through butter.” My mother said her menopause was easy…(I have to look back at my childhood) For some it’s mental, emotional, physical, psychological, but it is as inevitable as death!

 So do your research…it is your journey! Keep a journal, read books, talk to other women. We are living longer and we can redefine ourselves any time during this journey…

To start check out the internet. One website I like is www.WebMD; Oprah had a segment on menopause and there are many books out there on Menopause, but remember it's your story!